Letter #2

Refer to Letter #1 for more of an explination.

Dear _ _

It's been almost 24 hours now since everything happened and I'm feeling like what happened was for the best. For both of us.

I spoke with a friend for over an hour last night about things and he, from his third-party perspective, made me realize things about myself that I'm not proud of but it made me realize I needed to let you go as much as you needed to let me go.

As he pointed out, you were being used by me. Maybe not used. That's a poor choice of words. But I was keeping you in my life as a form of protection.

Last fall, as you knew, I basically lost all of my friends out there at school. This left a void in my life that, until recently, I wasn't aware of. Then I met you. You filled that void. Or, more accurately, you were a band-aid for it. A good band-aid. No, a great band-aid but even the best band-aids can only do so much. You protected me from the pain and lonliness that I didn't want to feel and, because of that, I didn't want to let you go.

This doesn't mean I didn't come to care about you and cherish our friendship more than any other. I did. And still do actually. I just had some subconscious selfish stuff going on as well and I feel sorry for that. I was hurting you by staying around because I didn't want to have you removed from my life and make me face the pain that void would leave. Selfish. Stupid. I'm sorry.

I should never have used you as a crutch like that or as someone to block the pain. Even in the unconscious way I was doing so. It's time for me to face the music, alone, and hope that both you and I can ride out the storm that is coming.

Yesterday was the proverbial ripping off of the band-aid. It hurt like hell at first, stung, made my eyes water. The skin is still raw underneath and the wound is still there. Granted, it is diminishing and healing slowly, but there is still some healing left to be done before no more band-aids are needed.

All my love,
Matt