Letter #1

This is a letter to you. You know who you are. You know why I'm writing this (and will probably write others). I have no clue if you'll ever read this. Part of me hopes so. The rest of me hopes you don't. All I know is I have too many thoughts right now that are pummeling every part of my psyche to get by without telling you; even in this indirect, and not literal kind of way.

Dear _ _

I'm sitting here after crying three, no, four times today. I'm not saying this is your fault; chances are it's mine. I just want you to know that I'm still thinking about you and will be for quite some time to come.

I am sorry that I can't feel about you how you feel about me. As you said, you can't predict how love will work. And I do love you; just not in such a romantic way (if that even makes any sense). I would give anything to love you back, to fix things, to find you the one person who is perfect for you. I am sure that person is not me. As much as you may think so, I'd do you more harm than good. In fact, it seems I already have.

This one fact causes me more grief than I can properly describe. My last wish was to hurt you in any way and I seem to have done that, despite my best intentions. You should know how terrible that must be for me. I can tell you, it's much worse than you might be thinking. Although we haven't known each other for an overly prolonged period of time, you basically have come to know everything about me; every quirk, every deep facet of my mind and how I think and feel. For that, there can be no substitute. No one has come that close to me in my entire 20 years of life. You have become, for lack of a more scholarly sounding phrase (which I know you would enjoy), a daily presence in all aspects of my life.

That is what makes our goodbyes so difficult.

Now I face a hole; a dark, gaping hole in my life that was once filled by someone so wonderfully vibrant and full of life and so like me that it was hard to think you weren't in some way inside of my head. I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel hurt. Most of all, though, I feel sad. Sad for what could've been, sad for what I couldn't give you, sad for what I wanted from you, sad that I could never be for you what you were for me, and sad that I seem to have let you down. I am devastated at the thought of letting you down.

And, yet, here I sit; eyes bloodshot and puffy, nose stuffed up, with a gaping hole in my heart where you once resided. I know it is my fault and, god help me, I know that if there was any possibility at all to help you through this I would use every single resource I possibly could to make you happy once again. You've given and shown me so much in the time we had together; I could never possibly dream of matching that for you.

But here's where I start. With this letter.

I've said I'm sorry. I tried to type out a bit of what I feel. Even though you might never read this, it's now out there. Maybe in a year, two years, five years, a decade our paths will cross again. I pray it's sooner rather than later. I pray that you find happiness; god knows one of us needs to (and I'd honestly rather see it happen to you). I pray that we can be friends, or at least reconnect. And, most of all, my dearest friend, I pray that you never forget me; that you never forget the smiles and the laughs, the dinners, the movies, the secrets shared, and the lives that we entwined together.

I know that I sure as hell will never forget.

With all of my love,
Matt